Trust, loyalty and leaving

Not sure if I can write this, or even if I should be....

I have a problem sometimes of interrupting people, and it bothers me when I do it...I get really frustrated at myself, which in turn makes me look stand offish. I sometimes wish I could just know social cues...and not feel so stupid...because even with intelligence, you can come across as the biggest moron in the whole damn world.
Lately I have reached such a high I seriously cannot sleep, eat or even be bothered to read...this is frustrating me too..The calmers I am on, are not making me so calm. I really hate been like this, people out there have so much worse shit than me, that I feel truly a moody bitch. I wish I didn't get this way.

I kid myself that I am coping ok, I wing it daily, and often am screaming inside that much, I feel sick. I do not know how to handle this on my own...and what some of you don't realise is I am doing just that, I am here with just my daughter, my parents live 156 miles away, and have enough stress with my 3 sisters...I have never ever asked them to be at my beck and call and never would. I have no true friends in my real life, they are mainly people who either use me, or I just bother with when I need company. I never open up to these people. The one person I did open up to in my real life..well I argued with so much that I kind of backed away. I do not have an on going support system in my real life...maybe my mum, as I talk to her everyday. But in a weird way I have one friend that I turn to so much, that I am beginning to push him away. I got mad at him yesterday because he was happy a website he used to love opened back up, he too had had a shitty day, his pops is ill and he's shy and won't let his anger out. So the one person who cheers him up made him feel like shit, and I feel a complete bitch for that...He's one of the bestest friends I have ever had, times when he's been busy he's dropped that, to help me through a mood I am going through, First is loyal, yet I doubt this often. He sticks around through some of the bad shit, yet i doubt him. This is a lot of pressure for someone, so I want to thank him for putting up with my shit. We have a friend called Alucard, he always cheers us up with his links to crazy youtube stuff....without these two guys in my life some nights I would probably just be worse than I already am. My mum sometimes teases us all, and she makes Al shit himself with her temper hehe (sorry Al) These 3 are my solid support network. Sad I guess to some of you, but to me, I go through a day knowing I can bug any one of them with a problem, and by the end of it I'm laughing.
I am scared they will leave me, because for the last 5 weeks, I have become close to everyone, that I am scared like most people, they will bugger off. This is a mega issue for me. And I am starting to push them away...and I know it. *shakes head* I know both Al and First by their real names, but when I chat about them I feel using their usernames is better, as you lot can be really nosey!
I trust these guys, because they don't ever ask me for anything except my time and acceptance...and I feel accepted by them.
First one day we will get your anger out! And remember you're loved dearly, and you're the best friend a girl needs...and how you put up with the female mood swings I will never ever know! Al you are the most shyiest gentleman I have ever met, and you understand my crazy like for harvest moon, I like you very much, you are the rock and calmer one out of all of us. You two are fantastic for me. And roll on Al's days off...because First and I need more links lol

This is more to my Mum, First and Al, because without them I wouldn't be as stable as I am at the moment. I feel much affection right now...I think it's the meds to be honest...business will resume as normal next week :P

When I say I'm fine...I'M LYING

If I say I'm fine, it means I'm not fucking fine.

Eruptions of my fucking mind

Do you ever reach that point where you hate life so much you actually like living it? Today I have actually got to that stage, I was angry on wednesday, teary and crying like a bitch all last night...today I'm just jaded to a point where I can deal with whatever shit is thrown at me, but not out of strength, more out of the fact I love torturing my own mind.

I decided to write 2 separate blogs from now on, because I do enjoy pissing people off on the other one. This one is where my true thoughts will be.
I did something I am truly ashamed of this week....I downloaded a copy of Mariah Careys new album....Ok before you judge me, imagine been so loopy one day that you wonder if the bitch has actually brought out a decent album...well I took it as a long shot that maybe just maybe she had. At the point I started listening to it, been deaf seemed such a nice thought for 5 seconds. I listened to 10 seconds of each track and realised I lost 2 mins of my life...ones I shall never ever get back...CURSE YOU CAREY!!!! I am such a huge fan of music, that I do listen to alsorts, including opera...but my passion is for rock and metal. I adore N*E*R*D, liked them before everyone cottoned onto Pharrell...I just like how fucked up they make their sounds.

My mum upset me last night....jesus I normally take it on the chin, but these new meds I am on, have made me the biggest wuss since Gwynnie cried at the oscars. I realised she didn't mean it, and it's all good now...which to my relief I stopped crying after 4 hours...who needs weepy films when you have meds.

My weekend is not filled up with stuff to do, because I am skint, broke, cashless...any other word applicable for been broke ass mofo.

Every once in a while you get some arsehole trying to better you, I am armed today, and I shall be armed by monday with enough shit and words, to take down this stupid cunt of a teacher after he bullies my baby!!!
Oh and i like the word cunt, it's one of my favs of all time, due to the shock value it has.
Talking of cunts, I had an extensive chat about GOD last night with First *hugs*, we ended up pissing ourselves laughing because of my personal views, on all religions and what bollocks they are. First what did we piss ourselves laughing about? I was half asleep at the time and forgot what I had said. I just remember having damp kecks and falling into bed chuckling.

On a much lighter note, I still feel floaty most of the day, so thats ace, I sometimes do stab myself with a fork just make sure I am indeed alive.

Berry fact, I am an athiest, but I am officially in the religion of the Jedi...seeing on the last census enough of us added it to make it an official religion...I just wish the job centre would stop making me redo forms because they don't recognise my choosen religion...wankers.

Pre booked or is that pre fooked?

Pre booked or is that pre fooked?

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-09 - 20:46:34

This afternoon I decided with my premature leaving of class today i'd try some experiments out. One being what runs faster, the tortoise or a spider...I caught a huge ass spider and got my little tortoise out, he's been a moody shit lately, so i decided i'd let him have his favourite food...strawberries, can't let him have too many as it's like an equivalent to 4 take aways for us.

Anyways I had him all set and let the spider go...oddly enough the tortoise ran across the room, so i poked the spider, who just waited then dashed up the wall...so the winner was hermy. Spiders are dumb...it's all i can say...

The 2nd fun experiment I tried was holding smelling an apple while eating a pear...it tasted like pear...so no idea why it was supposed to remind me of apples...fucking scientists know shit...

The 3rd was a rocket I made, i put in baking soda and it flew 2 feet up in the air, then hit me on the head...

I've come to the conclusion I prefer chemistry out of all sciences, and I do not ever wish to use my pets again, as the dog tried to bite the tortoise...whom in turn bit the dog.

Im on some weird ass meds called Ativan...they make me feel like im floating around the house...I actually debated whether or not i was dead...so to test this out I bit my tongue...you know what...it bloody hurt.

Berry fact....I hate wearing socks, I do not own a pair and never will, they make me feel sick when i touch socks...I hate people touching my feet with socks on...

One Way Conversation

One Way Conversation

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-09 - 13:46:02

Normally today I am at college, and I was up until 10.43 am.....

I've been high the last 2 weeks, but since I started on some new meds I've hit earth with a massive bump...This morning I knew I was pissed off, but took it as a "woman been moody" thing...I got on the bus, and I got to class, this one person said something so fucken stupid I had to sit elsewhere for fear of throttling her. I was asked why and what was wrong, I just said "I feel out that way" which was the truth. AS the morning went on I felt more and more pissed off, I don't know why. I can't control how I feel...I can't suddenly feel ok, I just have such a problem that no matter what I do, I will always be a manic depressive. So a quiet girl left the class, and this other girl started bitching about her, I sat there listening to J totally rip into G and I finally had had enough, and said some bad bad shit. I was asked to calm down, and that the class had enough stress, so i said to Rachel, my tutor, "Tell you what, why don't you fuck off too" To which I realised was awful to say, so I got my bag and left...I have never ever disrespected anyone like that before, so i went to see my doc. They have put me on sedatives and some other shit. Apparently this will keep me "calm" In all honesty I kind of would go past caring if I didn't have a kid...and somedays I consider she might be better off without me...but if anyone must screw her up...I should get the priviledge

I'm also sick of things in my personal life, that I have cut certain things and people out of it, so that I would feel better, and this works for someone like me. I can't help feeling like this, I asked the doctor yet again, and she says I can't do very much to control my chemicals, it's just how my dna is. I get tired somedays of people who are just "depressed" they can get out of it if they really try, I tried a talk group, to find most were fucken depressed...wow I wish I was only depressed... I am battling Bi polar disorder, which through no fault of my own, I can't get rid of. I battle this by myself, as my family live down south, and my ex is my ex...although he can be a good help where our daughter is concerned, that I am grateful for.

I'm not a fucken pussy who lets this take over, but for today I am so fucken angry with everything, that I don't really care who I upset....

See it's never been a big issue before, because I used to stay in the house for months on end, but now I have commitments I can't do that anymore.

Will anyone read this...do i really care? at this moment in time, I couldn't give a rats ass..I just hate been this way, I hate been me, and I hate people fucking with my head and heart.

To Mum, thank you for been more understanding, I need that.
To First, thank you for been you and showing me what a true friend is.
To Alucard, thank you for making me smile with music.
To Shanna, I love you so much, I will try and smile tonight!
To Carl, thank you for been a friend.

To everyone else, if I didn;t mention you its either because you never really give a shit about me, or you just haven't upset me or made me smile today.

I HAVE AN EXAM NEXT WEEK...today was my mocks...I'm going to fucking fail...woohoo!!!

Invisible

Invisible

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-09 - 00:52:58

this is how i feel, this is how he makes me feel somedays....

You never notice me at all
You wouldn’t notice if i fall
I try to show i care for you
I don’t know what else to do
Theres only so much i can say
Theres only 24hours in a day
I know you will never really see me
I know its how it will always be
Just know that I have love for you
I hope one day you’ll love me too

When all else fails...

When all else fails...

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-08 - 10:51:28

I'm bored shitless, and the stuff I have had to do, I got done early...so I decided to do 2 lists...

Top 5 things that make me smile...

#1 My daughter...this kid does armpit farts in the most unusual places, like the job centre...
#2 Horror Films...I laugh my arse off at horror films, went to watch the SAW series at the cinema, in fits of laughter...not many people tend to laugh...odd!
#3 Farting...it's just plain funny..although I never fart in public or so anyone can hear..just find it amusing when others do
#4 Flowers...not that I get any, but when i buy them for myself it's really nice
#5 Gucci Envy me...MY fav perfume..the smell alone lifts my mood.

Top 5 things that piss me off this week (up to now)

#1 My boobs....mind of their fucking own springs to mind
#2 Virgin Media...couldn't organise an orgy at a brothel springs to mind
#3 Couples...Would have been number one if I hadn't witnessed an argument with one..but still lovey dovey people make me sick into my mouth...PDA's suck!
#4 Neighbours kids...for fucks sake my kid isn't playing out as she is SICK!! God they knocked 14 times yesterday, do they not understand english?
#5 Phones...I threw mine against the wall this morning, it didn't break..shame.