Inane Ramblings Of A Jaded MInd: April 2008

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Trust, loyalty and leaving

Not sure if I can write this, or even if I should be....

I have a problem sometimes of interrupting people, and it bothers me when I do it...I get really frustrated at myself, which in turn makes me look stand offish. I sometimes wish I could just know social cues...and not feel so stupid...because even with intelligence, you can come across as the biggest moron in the whole damn world.
Lately I have reached such a high I seriously cannot sleep, eat or even be bothered to read...this is frustrating me too..The calmers I am on, are not making me so calm. I really hate been like this, people out there have so much worse shit than me, that I feel truly a moody bitch. I wish I didn't get this way.

I kid myself that I am coping ok, I wing it daily, and often am screaming inside that much, I feel sick. I do not know how to handle this on my own...and what some of you don't realise is I am doing just that, I am here with just my daughter, my parents live 156 miles away, and have enough stress with my 3 sisters...I have never ever asked them to be at my beck and call and never would. I have no true friends in my real life, they are mainly people who either use me, or I just bother with when I need company. I never open up to these people. The one person I did open up to in my real life..well I argued with so much that I kind of backed away. I do not have an on going support system in my real life...maybe my mum, as I talk to her everyday. But in a weird way I have one friend that I turn to so much, that I am beginning to push him away. I got mad at him yesterday because he was happy a website he used to love opened back up, he too had had a shitty day, his pops is ill and he's shy and won't let his anger out. So the one person who cheers him up made him feel like shit, and I feel a complete bitch for that...He's one of the bestest friends I have ever had, times when he's been busy he's dropped that, to help me through a mood I am going through, First is loyal, yet I doubt this often. He sticks around through some of the bad shit, yet i doubt him. This is a lot of pressure for someone, so I want to thank him for putting up with my shit. We have a friend called Alucard, he always cheers us up with his links to crazy youtube stuff....without these two guys in my life some nights I would probably just be worse than I already am. My mum sometimes teases us all, and she makes Al shit himself with her temper hehe (sorry Al) These 3 are my solid support network. Sad I guess to some of you, but to me, I go through a day knowing I can bug any one of them with a problem, and by the end of it I'm laughing.
I am scared they will leave me, because for the last 5 weeks, I have become close to everyone, that I am scared like most people, they will bugger off. This is a mega issue for me. And I am starting to push them away...and I know it. *shakes head* I know both Al and First by their real names, but when I chat about them I feel using their usernames is better, as you lot can be really nosey!
I trust these guys, because they don't ever ask me for anything except my time and acceptance...and I feel accepted by them.
First one day we will get your anger out! And remember you're loved dearly, and you're the best friend a girl needs...and how you put up with the female mood swings I will never ever know! Al you are the most shyiest gentleman I have ever met, and you understand my crazy like for harvest moon, I like you very much, you are the rock and calmer one out of all of us. You two are fantastic for me. And roll on Al's days off...because First and I need more links lol

This is more to my Mum, First and Al, because without them I wouldn't be as stable as I am at the moment. I feel much affection right now...I think it's the meds to be honest...business will resume as normal next week :P

When I say I'm fine...I'M LYING

If I say I'm fine, it means I'm not fucking fine.

Friday, 11 April 2008

Eruptions of my fucking mind

Do you ever reach that point where you hate life so much you actually like living it? Today I have actually got to that stage, I was angry on wednesday, teary and crying like a bitch all last night...today I'm just jaded to a point where I can deal with whatever shit is thrown at me, but not out of strength, more out of the fact I love torturing my own mind.

I decided to write 2 separate blogs from now on, because I do enjoy pissing people off on the other one. This one is where my true thoughts will be.
I did something I am truly ashamed of this week....I downloaded a copy of Mariah Careys new album....Ok before you judge me, imagine been so loopy one day that you wonder if the bitch has actually brought out a decent album...well I took it as a long shot that maybe just maybe she had. At the point I started listening to it, been deaf seemed such a nice thought for 5 seconds. I listened to 10 seconds of each track and realised I lost 2 mins of my life...ones I shall never ever get back...CURSE YOU CAREY!!!! I am such a huge fan of music, that I do listen to alsorts, including opera...but my passion is for rock and metal. I adore N*E*R*D, liked them before everyone cottoned onto Pharrell...I just like how fucked up they make their sounds.

My mum upset me last night....jesus I normally take it on the chin, but these new meds I am on, have made me the biggest wuss since Gwynnie cried at the oscars. I realised she didn't mean it, and it's all good now...which to my relief I stopped crying after 4 hours...who needs weepy films when you have meds.

My weekend is not filled up with stuff to do, because I am skint, broke, cashless...any other word applicable for been broke ass mofo.

Every once in a while you get some arsehole trying to better you, I am armed today, and I shall be armed by monday with enough shit and words, to take down this stupid cunt of a teacher after he bullies my baby!!!
Oh and i like the word cunt, it's one of my favs of all time, due to the shock value it has.
Talking of cunts, I had an extensive chat about GOD last night with First *hugs*, we ended up pissing ourselves laughing because of my personal views, on all religions and what bollocks they are. First what did we piss ourselves laughing about? I was half asleep at the time and forgot what I had said. I just remember having damp kecks and falling into bed chuckling.

On a much lighter note, I still feel floaty most of the day, so thats ace, I sometimes do stab myself with a fork just make sure I am indeed alive.

Berry fact, I am an athiest, but I am officially in the religion of the Jedi...seeing on the last census enough of us added it to make it an official religion...I just wish the job centre would stop making me redo forms because they don't recognise my choosen religion...wankers.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Pre booked or is that pre fooked?

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-09 - 20:46:34

This afternoon I decided with my premature leaving of class today i'd try some experiments out. One being what runs faster, the tortoise or a spider...I caught a huge ass spider and got my little tortoise out, he's been a moody shit lately, so i decided i'd let him have his favourite food...strawberries, can't let him have too many as it's like an equivalent to 4 take aways for us.

Anyways I had him all set and let the spider go...oddly enough the tortoise ran across the room, so i poked the spider, who just waited then dashed up the wall...so the winner was hermy. Spiders are dumb...it's all i can say...

The 2nd fun experiment I tried was holding smelling an apple while eating a pear...it tasted like pear...so no idea why it was supposed to remind me of apples...fucking scientists know shit...

The 3rd was a rocket I made, i put in baking soda and it flew 2 feet up in the air, then hit me on the head...

I've come to the conclusion I prefer chemistry out of all sciences, and I do not ever wish to use my pets again, as the dog tried to bite the tortoise...whom in turn bit the dog.

Im on some weird ass meds called Ativan...they make me feel like im floating around the house...I actually debated whether or not i was dead...so to test this out I bit my tongue...you know what...it bloody hurt.

Berry fact....I hate wearing socks, I do not own a pair and never will, they make me feel sick when i touch socks...I hate people touching my feet with socks on...

One Way Conversation

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-09 - 13:46:02

Normally today I am at college, and I was up until 10.43 am.....

I've been high the last 2 weeks, but since I started on some new meds I've hit earth with a massive bump...This morning I knew I was pissed off, but took it as a "woman been moody" thing...I got on the bus, and I got to class, this one person said something so fucken stupid I had to sit elsewhere for fear of throttling her. I was asked why and what was wrong, I just said "I feel out that way" which was the truth. AS the morning went on I felt more and more pissed off, I don't know why. I can't control how I feel...I can't suddenly feel ok, I just have such a problem that no matter what I do, I will always be a manic depressive. So a quiet girl left the class, and this other girl started bitching about her, I sat there listening to J totally rip into G and I finally had had enough, and said some bad bad shit. I was asked to calm down, and that the class had enough stress, so i said to Rachel, my tutor, "Tell you what, why don't you fuck off too" To which I realised was awful to say, so I got my bag and left...I have never ever disrespected anyone like that before, so i went to see my doc. They have put me on sedatives and some other shit. Apparently this will keep me "calm" In all honesty I kind of would go past caring if I didn't have a kid...and somedays I consider she might be better off without me...but if anyone must screw her up...I should get the priviledge :))

I'm also sick of things in my personal life, that I have cut certain things and people out of it, so that I would feel better, and this works for someone like me. I can't help feeling like this, I asked the doctor yet again, and she says I can't do very much to control my chemicals, it's just how my dna is. I get tired somedays of people who are just "depressed" they can get out of it if they really try, I tried a talk group, to find most were fucken depressed...wow I wish I was only depressed... I am battling Bi polar disorder, which through no fault of my own, I can't get rid of. I battle this by myself, as my family live down south, and my ex is my ex...although he can be a good help where our daughter is concerned, that I am grateful for.

I'm not a fucken pussy who lets this take over, but for today I am so fucken angry with everything, that I don't really care who I upset.... :lalala:

See it's never been a big issue before, because I used to stay in the house for months on end, but now I have commitments I can't do that anymore.

Will anyone read this...do i really care? at this moment in time, I couldn't give a rats ass..I just hate been this way, I hate been me, and I hate people fucking with my head and heart.

To Mum, thank you for been more understanding, I need that.
To First, thank you for been you and showing me what a true friend is.
To Alucard, thank you for making me smile with music.
To Shanna, I love you so much, I will try and smile tonight!
To Carl, thank you for been a friend.

To everyone else, if I didn;t mention you its either because you never really give a shit about me, or you just haven't upset me or made me smile today.

I HAVE AN EXAM NEXT WEEK...today was my mocks...I'm going to fucking fail...woohoo!!!

Invisible

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-09 - 00:52:58

this is how i feel, this is how he makes me feel somedays....

You never notice me at all
You wouldn’t notice if i fall
I try to show i care for you
I don’t know what else to do
Theres only so much i can say
Theres only 24hours in a day
I know you will never really see me
I know its how it will always be
Just know that I have love for you
I hope one day you’ll love me too

When all else fails...

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-08 - 10:51:28

I'm bored shitless, and the stuff I have had to do, I got done early...so I decided to do 2 lists...

Top 5 things that make me smile...

#1 My daughter...this kid does armpit farts in the most unusual places, like the job centre...
#2 Horror Films...I laugh my arse off at horror films, went to watch the SAW series at the cinema, in fits of laughter...not many people tend to laugh...odd!
#3 Farting...it's just plain funny..although I never fart in public or so anyone can hear..just find it amusing when others do
#4 Flowers...not that I get any, but when i buy them for myself it's really nice
#5 Gucci Envy me...MY fav perfume..the smell alone lifts my mood.

Top 5 things that piss me off this week (up to now)

#1 My boobs....mind of their fucking own springs to mind
#2 Virgin Media...couldn't organise an orgy at a brothel springs to mind
#3 Couples...Would have been number one if I hadn't witnessed an argument with one..but still lovey dovey people make me sick into my mouth...PDA's suck!
#4 Neighbours kids...for fucks sake my kid isn't playing out as she is SICK!! God they knocked 14 times yesterday, do they not understand english?
#5 Phones...I threw mine against the wall this morning, it didn't break..shame.

Rampaging Berry and the warp speeding stupidity of people

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-08 - 10:33:01

I woke up in a completely good mood, checks my mobile phone, nothing...odd, normally I have nice texts and sometimes dumb ones...the joke ones that you have seen a hundred times, but still make you smile, because you're a bit daft and find certain childish things amusing...maybe thats just me. I got sweet F.A (fuck all) this morning...so I goes to brush the furry mouth..then I hear *ding*...this is my messaging beep...i cannot stand stupid tones, they piss me off, I like it to just ring and beep...the stupid ass shit people use is enough for me to think tosser...anyways back on subject! It's my ex, now usually we exchange a, can I pick the daughter up text, which i say yes or no..I'm pretty chilled and let him see her whenever, because I'm not some bitch. Well today was different, and the reason being is this, I found out some stuff this weekend, and let's just say I'm not pleased.

I trust no one completely, I never let people fully into who I am, I never let them know more than they need to, because in all honesty people are wankers, they use information when needed to throw in your face...I started to trust my friend of 2 years lately, only to find out she gave my ex her number. Now you might think I'm been jealous, but they aren't fucking (not that i'm aware of) But he texts her to get me to go out, I found this out when she was telling me last night about something, and I said oh yeah Carl wants me to go out, but told him to keep out my business...only for her to fuck up and say, yeah he text me about it....So i said woah woah woah...he text you? She said yeah but he's only got my number because you left it on that phone...i said how could i have...its your new number, and you've only had it 17 days...I haven't had that phone cunto has got for 6 months...She then started saying some shit and changed the subject. So this weekend I learnt that people are fickle, users, liars and say a lot of shit that frankly is not true. This morning he has text me saying how he never texts my friends etc, you know what I have replied back to him and said?

Absolutly nothing, you want to know why? Because I have kind of lost faith in the people around me, and also whats the point? I don't care that he does that, I cared that she always replied back to him. That for me is the loyalty gone.

So can someone tell me, who the fuck is loyal? Why on this green bastard earth should I ever trust anyone? Simple, I probably won't now, because no matter who, friends or family, people wait to see you either trip up, or pounce on you to fuck you over. Now do you see why I am jaded with life?

Berry Fact 1005 I find Jim Carrey a boring actor, same fucking thing every film. With the exception of number 23...although even then he still reminded me of every other part he has played. My kid adores him, I loathe him..

Bugger, bugger and buggery

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-08 - 01:15:06

Fucked up weekend, fucked up start to the week, and I hate everyone. I do not want double glazing fucking windows, no i don't want to renew my car insurance...on a car I don't have, and no I don't want to buy an E tablet, because i'm fucking nuts in the head as it is. I would tell you how I truly felt if I knew you would even give a crap...Oh and when oh when will virgin send me a bill BEFORE cutting me off...tossers.

I decided on something today, that for one week I'm going without meds....just to see how crazy i can feel. Let the games begin.

On a more lighter note, I learnt today that no matter how much you try you cannot fit more than 4 black bags full of rubbish into a wheelie bin...I got my kid jumping on it, my dog was in it...just would not play ball.

Berry fact 1004 I vent on here because I have no idea how to vent my anger in person...

Thats all for now, nothing to see here move along.

When there's a time to be serious

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-06 - 13:18:39

I have tons of questions, and some days I try to find out the answers, sometimes I will research with google, at times I will gain that knowledge by chatting to some people...but not in the way you think, I rarely will chat to people in person by walking up to them, they tend to bug me. People all have a use, and some need to feel reassured by anyone. These are the people I tend to get talking to me on the bus, at the bus stop or when i'm out. I intently listen, and at times say something to reassure said person i am listening...but what makes these people open to me a stranger? Do I have an open honest face? Nah, it's because i smile and have big blue eyes...my best feature...the rest of me well...erm...not that nice.

I don't like people talking to me though, and I feel uncomfy, I don't go out of my way to get people wanting to chat, I would prefer people to find me slightly oddball. Thats another reason people open up, I am a little strange and I guess they see a little of themselves in me.

I used to crave normality, but now I would never dream of it, I like been unique in many ways, I like knowing I have lost a lot of weight through determination and hard work. Something I've never really been open about is my weight, I lost 16 stone in weight, maybe I should take this out of my blog, I don't know, I wanted it to be real as well as open...but is that too open? People judge harshly and they don't know why I was so weighty...well look at it this way, shit happens...How my body looks is a mega issue, and to find a man who will accept it like it is...well we shall see...because let's face it...people are fickle.

Berry fact 1003 When i can't cry, I put on The Green Mile and sob my heart out.

Corriander tastes so lubberly

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-05 - 23:26:23

Today I decided to dedicate this post to 2 things, corriander and the number 51 bus in sheffield.

One I hate the other I adore...now if you even bothered to read any of this blog, you will know how much i detest public transport...it's like dragging a bollock on the floor...or dead leg for the ladies. The number 51 houses the dredge of society most days, this includes me, although I like to think one day I shall indeed move on up from bottom feeder to down and out bum. I had a really shitty week this week, and the bus just makes it more shitty. So after it been late for the forth time, and me getting home late at night, I decided that I indeed will defy the government this year, and buy the more pollutant vehicle I can afford. So a big truck it will be. Failing that i will be buying a clapped out car.

Now onto corriander...this stuff is amazing...it makes me feel happy, the smell the taste...i love it on everything...this includes strawberries...I eat it raw too. I tried it out with banana and honey...bloody weird but tasted so good....wonder why I'm loving it...and i have no sex life so don't even think it.

On a much more lighter note, I have no one to go out with because my friend just took another job...so this means I get to be more miserable and pour my heart out to you the lucky reader...

Berry fact 1002 I can play the saxaphone, but it makes me cry while i play

"Hey You"

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-04 - 12:43:55

This is to you...you know who you are as this post develops....you are truly special, I'm just retarded emotionally sometimes...I can't let things out the way you do. I like the way you are real with me...could you forgive me? could you stay with me? I too find it hard to believe anyone could put up with my whole being...

See I wonder how many people thought I was talking about cillit bang....

Enough with been serious, this morning the post came...sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet it made a huge banging noise, only for it to be coupons for beer...I HATE BEER!! Why is it never vodka or gin?

I sprayed air freshener this morning...into my eye...it was accident and I wasn't paying attention, believe me this wakes you up...only now i look like i'm stoned....

berry fact number 1001...I suck my thumb for comfort, only at times this seems to happen in public...especially on the bus when i'm tired...people give you a wide berth (I should do this more often)

Insert witty title here...

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-04 - 03:48:25

Ever asked that one bloody question you know you shouldn't ask, but been a total fucking headcase you ask it anyway? I just did that...why oh why did I ask when I knew the answer would be yes.
I should just cut my tongue out and feed it to the chickens...if indeed i had chickens.
The question I asked is one every woman seems to ask a man at some point, and when she hears its a bleeding yes she thinks great what a wanker, then if she hears no, she thinks he's a lying bastard...men cannot win on the subject and we should not ask.

Does this make me vain?

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-03 - 14:40:00

Just wondering does adding tags about yourself make you vain....

I was also thinking of my top ten pet hates this week...

#1 Lavendar...I hate that smell...kill anyone who uses it or smells of it.
#2 Sheffield public transport...fucking dire...is the only way I can describe it
#3 Neighbours...been anti social I fucking hate mine...they argue the toss over stupid shit
#4 Big Issue Sellers...I will not feel guilty while you sell the big issue in fucking new nike trainers
#5 The Sea...I like to dig holes in the sand...why must you fill the hole...huh huh
#6 Popcorn...that stuff gets everywhere, your teeth, your hair, carpets, knickers..
#7 Sales reps...If I want to buy a new tv i will go to dixons or get one from dodgy dave up the road.
#8 Couples...Stop fucking rubbing it in that you have someone...we don't need to see
#9 Chocolate...I hate how the stuff makes me feel ill for hours...*shakes fist*
#10 School holidays....one kid + boredom = berry going fucking nuts...and broke!

Success is yours...eh?

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-03 - 12:14:10

After what seems a lifetime of unrefined reality, I think I have finally reached my point of pure insanity. What's doing you may ask...well I came up with a masterplan this morning, now I would divulge this information, but for you the avid reader it could get you glued so hard to this page, you will fear you have also reached my intense insanity. The first steps to my plan is careful planning...obvious right? yes and no, sometimes the best ways is to wing it...but this has to be planned.

I tried this new drink this morning, it was fooking awful! Ok it's been on the market for years, but I have decided to venture into the fizzy pop branch of things...who's idea was it to make tizer? That stuff is like drinking a liquid form of candy floss...i had to brush my teeth 6 times just to stop myself from wishing my whole mouth would leave my face.

I came to another conclusion this morning...there is nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else. Me myself I feel just mighty fine, so it must be everyone else with the problem.

I recently found out that no matter how hard you try it is not possible to make your kid eat cabbage....without force feeding or hiding it in food. I had to bribe her the other day, until I thought hmm two can play this game sister....so lately I have been putting it in alsorts...how funny it is to see her blissfully unaware while I rub my hands with glee that me the parent is one up...

Berry fact number...erm..forgot...so anyways heres the fact...I collect comics, i have some rare daredevil ones worth a lot of money. I'm needing issue 1,4 and 6 though!

My love of cleaning products

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-02 - 00:14:35

I decided to write this because lately I have fallen in love with 2 things, one been cillit bang...this stuff can wipe clean anything...i forgive that little purple bottle of godliness for stripping the laminate off my cupboard. I decided today i would try it on different surfaces...one been an old rusty fridge outside, i wanted to see how good it was...so i sprayed it in a certain area, and gagged at the smell...thats the problem with cillit...he smells odd! I then used it on the bottom of my oven...god i am ashamed to say...but it wasn't pretty, I needed to go in hard. So i sprayed for 2 mins.

After 10 mins had passed on the rusty fridge, I got a wipe and saw a white fridge again...I was astounded at this new found friend...I would have hugged it, if I could bear the smell. I went back to my oven...shaking my head as I knew this would be a 40 min job. Now bear in mind I did not use rubber gloves...i have my reasons....they just make me think about bizarre things...The oven took a few scrapes and she was good as new...so i now think i have a friend for life.

Now I did try it on a couple of other things, and let me say this...do not use cillit bang near a leather sofa...

Now later on in the week I'm comparing polish wipes, because mr sheen is pretty shite...and they smell like old people.

Berry fact #9 I once went to glastonbury and forgot my underwear, so i went commando all weekend, it was a feeling of freedom, daringness(is this a word) and freewill.

Ever Had...

Ever had...

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-01 - 21:47:11

An email that made you cry with happiness? I just did, the thought and feeling put into it was amazing. I'm beginning to think that real life is fantastic at the moment. Like i said my writing isn't great today as I'm having a complete block...well i'm not thats a lie...it's more I'd rather keep private my own thoughts on how i'm feeling...as they are personal and not for the avid viewer of this blog...

Berry fact #8 I hate hot drinks...they make me ill for 2 days when i have one.

In a good mood...No I am not drunk!

by shakeberry @ 2008-04-01 - 14:43:53

Today I have writers block.....but I am in a great mood! I have had some nice things lately happen to me, and this has made me think maybe life isn't such a shithole mess. I'm still broke all the time, but that's ok. I went out to Corporation last night.. was an ok night, music was ace. Been told I am beautiful lately, thats enough to make any girl smile like a cheshire cat. And it wasn't my mum that said it either

I can't write for shit today, so I'm off to spend money on my daughter who deserves it...she's been an angel...well sort of :))

I can't even ask for more because you have it all...I like this quote today..

Coping with just the little things...

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-31 - 15:19:20

I tried not to write a daft blog today, but currently I find when i'm not occupied enough I'm having a lot of thoughts, I realise I can't be alone too much...it's really bizarre...im here all alone, my kid is with her dad. I started playing foo fighters, and i sat down and cried. Something has finally sunk in with me, I push and push and search for something that is only existant in my mind. I over anaylse everything, and this is not a way to live. So how do I change? Will anyone truly love me how I am? Does your heart lie to you? Or is it your head that lies more?

I do not like been like this, I never asked for this, I am bi polar and I cannot change how my mind works. Now meds can help that, but after all these years whats another 2 weeks without any right? This part of a song made me think

I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same, what do you want me to be?

I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, and now i refuse to be that way. The foo fighters song The pretender fits people i know. I'm not anyones puppet...I am me!
I am tired of people promising things and then not been what they say. I have a friend who is there when I need a shoulder to cry on, but gets jealous when we are out.

I find it hard to actually love people, and you can have the whole lust thing, but I have found love is deeper than that...it's good, but painful all at once.

*Guncle...<3*>

Which one?

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-31 - 11:27:56

Has anyone used cillit bang? I used it yesterday on my cooker, it worked ok, but usually I just spray mr sheen over cleaner..which works quicker, but cillit bang can be used on anything. I'm debating whether the smell of it is worth me wanting to gip everytime I'm cleaning with it. Although don't try cleaning certain types of cupboards...it strips the damn things!

Berry Fact #7 I have a pet tortoise

Sniff Sniff

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-30 - 13:37:18

Have no idea what went on this morning, but this car alarm went off from 8 am...and it sounded like a siren..so after 25 mins and me wanting to take a AK47 to the entire street, the guy was peering in the bonnet ripping something out...when he finally had what he was after he looked like some mad scientist...he got the alarm in his hand then put it above his head and said "it's dead" I'm starting to wonder if my neighbours are just nuts or aliens. Sometimes my other neighbours fight...not like fight argue, but physically fight, now you wonder why no one gets involved? Because the one time the police came the woman took the cricket bat and twatted the copper on the head, she normally goes for her Hubby's car...because he loves that more than her and the kids. At times she throws his shit out, but takes him back after 2 days....couples are weird. :crazy:

I sometimes am quite the dreamer...as my mum puts it, I escape through written word mostly, but this got me thinking about aspects of my life when I have lived in a dreamworld...like half the time I wasn't connected with reality...it worries me that I have had points in my life where this has happened, and I thought about when this happened, and it was mostly when something hugely life changing was happening. It's like I could never deal with that one thing, so I'd pretend it wasn't a big deal and live in a dreamworld. I decided last year enough was enough and that life is here to be lived, whether it's good or bad, but I will never stop my fantasys...as I like escaping sometimes.

I got some advice about my poems, and I am starting to put a collection together, and seeing if I am good enough...maybe not...but it's nice to try.

I've become jaded with things in my personal life, and I am finding I am bottling a lot up. I can't talk to anyone, because I seem to look bad no matter what i say...even though like most people I need a hug and I am confused. I am clear on a few things, and that is what makes me happy everyday...so it's not all doom and gloom!!

On a more lighter note I rawk at making potato and leek soup...it's the one thing I find I am great at cooking...some people don't like their own food...i'm one of them...even though everyone else loves my cooking. I made little fairy cakes too...yep today I did motherly things...although my daughter left me to do everything while she licked the bowl out!

Berry Fact #6 I once went out with a guy who took my knickers...i found out he sniffed them often...this alone made me break the relationship off...on top of the fact he was a mummys boy

Berry Smoothie...

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-30 - 03:13:08

I often write about the bad moods i'm in or the crappy things in life, well after tonight I have been made to put things into perspective...you always need a calming influence in your life...no matter who it is, whether its family, friends, neighbours and even an online friend...sometimes it's best to sound stuff out to people not too close to you, but whom you would like to be closer. I am quite challenging, and some will say yeah all women are....but I'm different in the sense that I can't always control how I feel...I can't always stop myself withdrawing or feeling so blue that I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But people who are calmer in nature can do that for you, I've come to see that 2 people who are erratic will either be good together or bad, I do not fair well with highly erratic people if i see them day in day out. I tend to attract highly strung men...this has to change at some point...and I believe it will and maybe has. I am in a better place in some respects. I'm quite placid in lots of ways, I am not a fighter, I don't like to shout and I tend to be more of a walker. But I decided not to look for things or anaylse life as much..i'm doing ok...I'm laughing actually...because my blog says otherwise :)) I've started seeing how naive I am too, after last nights little fracas during my night out, I stepped back from the situation and realised how blind I can be to what antics my friends get up to. I don't want to be like them, and I realise I am not like them. I was told i rock someones world, do you know how uplifting and nice that is? You rock my world too :yes:

I have a funny story to share with you, i have a little shih tzu dog...cute lil thing, I was on the phone to Virgin my broadband provider (as its crap and is always dropping) and as i got through to find out if i'd been cut off...I have to check this, as for some unknown reason, I no longer get paperbills...cool right...yet i get my ebill 4 days AFTER they cut me off...so how do you pay a bill for next month...when u have no idea how much it is? so anyways...i'm chatting to this nice scouser lad, and the next min theres a huge snore coming from between my legs...nope i didn't do a fart...i sit crossed legged all the time...my dog was laying in the middle...she snores so loud she actually beat my ipod on full blast. He thought I had burped, and proceeded to try and ignore it...then the 2nd time she did it louder, which then he in between fits of laughter had to put me on hold...after 3 mins he came back...i said i apologise but my dog was snoring...to which he replied " i thought yad farted lass" I tell you this as my mum is obsessed with farting...and I forgot to fill her in on this today. :crazy:

Berry fact 5 I once met The Edge from U2 and called him a rude bastard...as he pushed forward into people in a packed bar in London, without saying excuse me, then expected people to apologise for been in his way.

Fuzz Buzz

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-29 - 16:01:08

How shitty can one day get? Why do people make promises they can't keep? Why do people say things they clearly do not mean? Why do people take my kindness for naiviety? Why does one night out make people turn into utter shitheads? Why do people use the love word so freely but rarely mean it?

Just some burning issues around me at the moment, with friends and problems they and I are having...I can't help one friend, only she can do that, but I wish she would stop kissing other men behind her hubbys back...it puts me in an awkward position. Even when I was with someone no matter how unhappy, I have never done that stuff while with them. I am too emotional to be able to do that. My ex keeps trying to kill himself, but i got my own shit to deal with, I wish I could give up like that, but then who has my daughter? I have so much crap in my head, that i have to write, i feel compelled to write, and I haven;t met a man yet who can cope with my silent moods. I need a man who likes reading, and never questions why I feel that way, but helps resolve it. I need a man stronger than me. Well folks this is not going to happen, so I don't search I see what happens. This is also not good..but can't be bothered to type out why. So I'm focusing in my accounts career and my kid...yet these things with men and love keep coming into my life, no matter how much i brush them off.

On a lighter note I lost more weight because I have lost my appetite, and I got drunk on 2 cocktails last night, 2?? I have turned lightweight....I used to be able to drink 13 shot of jd before i wanted to keel over...now its 2 bloody cocktails...i am very ashamed lol I rarely drink now, I dont like how it makes me feel...but i sobered up at 1 am. Could have kissed 6 guys, but I can only like one person at a time...its all complicated...but having a corset on and nice eyes helps i suppose.

Berry fact # 3 or 4..i forgot lol I can't buy alcohol or get served drinks in a bar without my I.D

To my best friend Kerry...You moody bitch :)

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-28 - 10:09:44

Your hair is black my hair is brown
you always wear a bloody frown
cheer up you cow its only 9
go back to bed you have the time
you look like shit and i can tell
your mood will make u more unwell
I’d slap your head if i was there
Get back to bed you moody mare
Tonight i need some good good fun
But your fucking frown it weighs a ton
Cheer up you cow its only 9
Crack a smile its about time.

Huggles, snuggles and vodka

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-28 - 10:00:00

Supposed to have college today, but apparently they changed the day yet again, so I thought I'd download some stuff, check emails etc...I got a message from someone on here, and I kind of felt for her at the time, because this blog does not tell you when you've used up your allocated letter useage (wow I sound really intelligent) I just sat and read what she said a few times, and wanted to give her a shout out and say i hope it saved in drafts, because it sounded like a good post to read...thats to sameold

As for today, I now have a full day to get prepared for tonight, but my friend is been a bit moody and its not even 9 o clock in the morning as I write this. I was talking to someone last night, and I was talking about my IQ, I did a test last year and got a high score, so I'm tempted to try another one...because I actually believe im a dipshit at times! I find my accountancy course really easy though, which I guess is good, but not when your mind wonders off when you are bored. I'm hoping today the docs sort me some kind of medication out, because I still very high up in the clouds and giddy. Have you ever wondered what certain foods taste like together, even though they sound really opposite? I tried strawberries, chilli powder and chocolate again last night...and it tastes so good its weird. I also like lettuce and brown sauce at the moment too...no im not pregnant, you need a sexlife for that....Another thing, been in a high mood, it makes you more aware of your whole sexuality and flirty....not good lol

I sometimes wonder does anyone out there actually read this, and understand, or are they just amused by it...im amused mostly because I find I totally wander off subjects...then start talking to you as if I'm having a convo with you. At times I feel the loneliest person in the world, even with lots of friends around me, I feel like that when I'm with family too...I don't feel like I belong. I only feel comfy with 3 people in my life. Is that a bad thing? Why did i just ask a question lol Something for me to mull over I suppose. I can't get my head around changing fonts and the set up to my blog...I kind of winged it to get it looking this way...I tend to do stuff that luckily makes it look readable.

Berry fact #3 I cannot stand the smell of lavendar, I hate it with a passion, it does not relax me, it makes me feel angry.

One more day...damn time is slow

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-27 - 13:26:47

One more day until the weekend YAY!! I have a fun filled weekend planned, I'm off to Corp tomorrow night, seeing a few girly friends and my friend play a gig. Saturday I'm going into town and doing errands..sounds boring but it's not lol Sunday off to the cinema...yay!

I find saying whats on my mind lets me figure out stuff, like I write poems for people or myself, and when they are written its done with, i can move on. Good way of documenting on how you felt at that moment. Today I want to go out to the park, but its freezing and keeps pissing it down with rain....So instead I am staying in and doing housework...how fun!

I'm at college tomorrow so i find out if i've passed my first exam...I is praying right now that I have, because resits can't be done til december...

For The First...(hehe)

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-27 - 05:59:23

I've written this for someone called First, been a good friend and lately has inspired me to want to write a heck of a lot....Basically i'm a bit more relaxed and it shows on my poems.

I wait for you to come online,
I get your message, did you like mine?
You say the things that make my day,
Its just the little things you say.

You say your shy but so am i,
You make me smile I just can’t lie,
Im inspired by you and how you are,
Its really a shame you live so far.

Your dark and moody just like me,
at times your light and i can see,
My friend, my light my shining knight,
Talking to you just feels so right.

You understand my hopes and fears,
With you i never cry those tears,
I’m happy we met and chat so much,
One day ours hands will get to touch.

Squares, circles, wanna buy some pegs, dave?

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-26 - 19:50:52

I keep writing lots of poems lately, things for some reason at this moment are coming into my head easily. I was thinking of attempting to write a short story, but I'm so flippant I wander off a subject. Do you ever get bored easy? It takes an interesting person to keep me talking, I tend to get bored by people around me in quick succession. It boils down to no common interests. I find people to be rather two faced, while we are all like this at one point or another, there's a thing about been able to face up to what you have said. I would rather tell that person what I think to their face.

Anyway enough with the serious shit, because frankly i'm in no mood to be serious, I was stunned at a movie I saw today...only to find out it was high school musical...wtf? No wonder kids these days are airheads. On british TV we tend to have charities begging for money, they do these really soppy and upsetting adverts, but I find one rather amusing...no idea why but when the dogs do certain head movements, I tend to think of the owner behind the camera holding a nice bit of beef, and the dogs thinking "come on you tight bastard, i've pouted enough, now SHOW ME THE MEAT"
I have a very juvenile sense of humour, i find farting rather hilarious. But what makes me laugh the most is sarcastic comments, no idea why, but when someone in a deadpan tone says some witty sarcastic remark, I can't help but giggle.

Little know fact #2 about Berry I secretly like honey and mustard sandwiches

Wires...

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-26 - 19:40:39

I’m wondering what to write to you,
Looking into space to think it through
I miss your voice, your smile and touch
i miss the way you tease so much
I’m besotted by you in so many ways
That until i see you i count the days

Do you miss me, do you feel fine
I want to call you and make you mine
I’m enthralled in you, you have a gift
That gives me one big fantastic lift
I think I love you who can tell
Until you put me under your spell

I’m watching time go by so slow
I just want to hear you say hello
Are you wondering about me to?
I feel a little down and a lil blue
I miss you baby i miss you much
Call me please, just get in touch

Berry

An open book...since when?

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-26 - 04:06:47

Recent events have caused me to evaluate just how fucked up life is, but I smile as I write this because someone somewhere is having a way shittier time than i am...whoopee!!! I got turned down for 5 jobs yesterday, damn if only i got an interview, I could so charm my way through. I keep writing poems, and someone will then steal it and make out they wrote it, how fun...I should be flattered anyone might even consider it to be good enough to steal. I'm believing my own hype at this moment in time...basking in my own ego...oh come on you do it too...privately. I can't sleep at the moment, because I'm starting my mania mood, this is the time I'm really high for a week or two, and the grand finale I crash and burn for 3 months....I was on some tablets, which they took away from me as they seemed to send me more doolally...which oddly enough I can be more nuts than i already am.

So why this random post, because I have so many thoughts running through my head i can't think straight, and the book i was reading is not making sense. Have you ever had one of those bi polar days when you are so crazy you feel like you're running a marathon but through your own head? No? Lucky you...stop rubbing it in. I keep wondering, why the hell i am changing so much, why can;t i at least stay a little like the old me, things were simplier (have i spelt that right? fuck it looks right to me) Feel free to comment, because no other sod has...Except Tazzie! I want to know how crap my poems are...because I feel some people are just been nice when they say they like them.

Bear in mind I am in a high state of mania, so any shitty remarks will probably get a scolding sarcastic comment back....which in turn will make me feel remorse when im on the depression side of my moodswings...so happy happy joy joy...

Scared To Love You

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-26 - 02:59:19

A moments pause, i feel your touch,
i think i love you so so much
our eyes they met and we did gaze
Im lost within this lustful haze.

If you only knew the love i feel
its in my heart the real deal,
i ache for your lips on mine,
to feel our bodies intertwine.

I need you more the more we speak,
with you my futures not so bleak
I see you smile and touch my face
my heart beats at a faster pace

I'm scared to love you, yet i do
i want you to need and love me too
My tears of salt are not of sorrow
but what is yet to come tomorrow.

Friends And Hugs

Friends and hugs

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-25 - 02:00:29

I feel so low and so confused,
I think so much my minds abused
Am i normal, should i be fine?
I cry and cry but still no sign,
Im lost in hell and can’t get out
No matter how much i scream and shout
Im trying so hard to get back on my feet
But my heart is torn, with a faint beat
Im scared to love deep down inside
So who do i trust and also confide
I choose you because you know
Just how this feel when i am low
I beg of you please hear my cries
Before i tell too many lies,
I mask my feelings so so much
I need a hug and loving touch
Friends are few and far between
its you who says what you truly mean
you given me some hope and pride
and its you i choose to help me stride
I feel more lifted inside and out
And if you need me give me a shout.

The Morning After The Night Before

The morning after the night before....

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-22 - 15:04:45

So here we are another day, I drank quite a bit last night, but only enough to give me a tingley buzz, I met a whole rainbow of people at the metal club I went to. Some were so wasted that I was amazed how they could even talk right! I stepped back last night and observed people and how loose they become while pissed. I felt jealous in a way, because I never fully loosen up in public, even while high or drunk. I remember the reason I stopped been so loose while in public, and I guess like most people I'm a paranoid mofo. I don't conform to the society "norm" I'm into an eclectic range of music, i'm neither goth, preppy or normal...what ever that is. I'm actually quite the weirdo...I can sometimes be all mature and motherly..but mostly the kid in me wins. I think this boils down to my childhood days, been the oldest you always have that sense of responsibility...plus my homelife was a little crazy.
I met someone last night that reminded me of Kurt Cobain, he looked like him, and at one point I wondered if I was drunk enough to be hallucinating...but he was a student at uni, who did abstract art...that got me thinking, that what creative talent do I have, I write a lot of shit...as if you regulary read my blog you know this already. But i used to do crafts, I ended up with 8 projects on the go at one point, been nuts this is not a good thing...so I ended up giving that up.
This morning I woke up with a queazy feeling and thought I might spend the morning bowing to the porcelain god, but luckily I was only sick because I had a migraine, brought on from my anemia....I tells ya since i lost 17 stone I have more health problems than ever! And with tits like saddlebags i now have to buy bra's that resemble scaffolding, really annoys the shit out of me. Just my gripe for today...

Little known fact about Berry...I have a routine I do everynight before I go to bed, and if I don't brush my teeth 20 times each way I start again.

Motivational Methods of a Crazy Mind

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-20 - 14:25:17

I've been thinking about the motivational methods I use in everyday life to get me through, and boy do I have some really weird ways....like take for instance these door to door salespeople...why is it they constantly come around selling shit you really have no desire to buy. Ok one example is the people who come around trying to get you to buy your shithole you like to call home, so my first method of making these people see sense is to join them outside, step back and admire my palace, and say, looking at my home, would you seriously consider buying this house for the extortionate price your company will eventually charge me...they normally answer No...Walla, see there's my point. They tend to leave after that....Now bored with that method, lately I have come up with an even better one...I ask them if they want a time share in Spain, I've never seen them leave so fast...something I said?

Now this brings me to religious people, while I don't mind which god you worship, what crazy ass prayers you may do 7 times a day, I have no desire in me whatsoever to bow to any kind of god, except maybe the God I like to call Gary Oldman, but that’s another story....anyway back to my motivational ways of dealing with these people...they normally come on what I call a down day...so my first method was always to baffle them on why I think god is not real or at times a woman, one time I had one person doubting their own religion...but when I'm not so chatty or moody I tend to tell them I worship that "hot" man we love to call the devil, and that my sect is currently taking new members, would they like an interview for an an exclusive place....I have never seen a jevo run so damn fast....amusing to say the least.

I like to motivate myself sometimes for different things, like job hunting, shopping, gearing up to tell someone how shitty you think their attitude is, or basically wanting to ruin someone else’s day just like they do yours on a weekly basis....the way to motivate yourself for such matters is easy, either stock up on anger for a week or so, depending on your daily family life and so forth...you may only need a few days...I tend to need a week, or wait until your period comes, which let’s face it, the men are screwed with that one. I have to shop angry, if I don't I tend to spend stupid amounts of cash on crap I really don't need, If I'm angry, I snarl and grunt like a cavewoman on acid...this makes people steer clear of me, see job done...Job hunting takes skill and precision on the motivation side of things, and it takes some willpower not to want to take a machine gun to some job centres, and wage a one woman war on the official government place of job searches...you have to approach this with less anger, but more determination that this will be the day you WILL find your dream job...yes folks this means you have to baffle your own mind with utter bullshit. Motivational see....

I have to motivate myself to actually get out of bed some mornings, while this might make me sound lazy, it's not the waking up that I find hard, it's the knowing that my day will have at one point the moment I like to call "oh fuck did I say that" moment....we all do it, yet we still make that same mistake of engaging mouth before brain....I just do it on a more regular basis and tend to upset some fragile bugger...so to motivate myself I just tell myself that today is the day I will upset the right person, and laugh so much that I will feel the warm fuzzy feeling we call peeing ourselves with laughter....hell this works for me.

Morning Joy

Morning joy!

by shakeberry @ 2008-03-19 - 23:40:28

I hate society and what it's brought me too, maybe I have done this to myself and I'm over thinking it all, but I feel that given half a chance, I'd be a lot more calmer than I am right now. I hate that no matter how hard I try and no matter how many doors I knock on I get told that I need experience....I have plenty of life experience to know what an office is like, fuck I did work experience in one for 3 weeks. How dumb do you need to be to know that you sit at a desk and you sometimes have to file loads of stuff? Oh and maybe turn the computer on...not brain science is it?

I sometimes have dreams and feel like I don't want to wake up, and I get my ass out of bed every morning for one reason, to make my daughters breakfast and lunch sandwiches....If I had no kid, I’d be another dredge in society and probably sleep my life away...I want to better myself, but will anyone listen? NOPE the powers that be have decided to make things 4 times as hard for me, why? Fuck knows, but I believe that I will be a good accountant, and if no one takes me on for a job, I will do all my courses with no work support and get my own business. I can do this, whether this country believes in me or not.

Public Transport...heaven on earth...NOT! 19-03-08

Now back to the Budget 2008, they are hiking up car tax, fuel and whatnot....so why? You want to know why, it's so poor ass motherfuckers like me, have to use the piece of elephant turd, they call PUBLIC TRANSPORT....now don't get these 2 words mistaken for loada bollocks....Ok they charge the earth for a journey....a journey that daily you end up having to make with druggies and my personal fav DRUNKS....my god do these people stick of old ale, they swear, talk shit, drink some more, talk loudly on their mobiles, give you evils and most of all the male ones smell of wee. So I pay £15 a week for the pleasure of this crap..Oh and the best bit is if the bus is full, tough shit you have to stand...do they care if the drivers pack them in? No because it's profit right? I'm expected to give up my car, to travel on dirty buses, which are always late, especially on my college day. The tram is no better if not worse, I always want to puke my guts up after been on that pile of shit. I can hardly ever get a seat at peak times and I hate how they pull as they stop...puke city for me. I hate society more and more the more I use public transport, because you get to see the dredges of young and old that the government don't give one fucking shit about, this includes me, but I don't smoke and can't afford to be a piss head as the government just hiked up the booze...drugs well I would if I wasn't already mental with bi polar, and I knew it was pure stuff not tampered with. Now you might frown at that and think why drugs, well why not? Cigarettes are a drug, alcohol is, food is, and to be honest I don't want cigs near me, I hate the smell, yet it's these jumped up hypocrites that mostly don't like the idea of drugs.

Job on track...off the rails we go...19-03-08

This bring me to Connexions, I say that word with such venom that if I spit right now my screen with burn with the acid on my tongue. These jumped up crapheads, yes I said crapheads, kind of looked me up and down, and asked me what I wanted, so I asked if they would help me on my journey to been an accountant...to which the reply was "What qualifications have you got, because if you have over 5 GCSE's and over level 2 in any qualification, we cannot help you." So I said well I'm screwed then as I have over all of those, I seem to have shot myself in the foot. She then said " It's the government who has stopped our funding for people with over 5 gcse's."
So yet again those bastards are messing with my future in accounts. I was very dejected at this point, so I decided that the world can kiss my large buttocks. Now due to my age, I also have a very hard time getting anywhere in life, as the young whipper snappers can be paid low wages compared to me having to get national minimum wage. Fucking kids....jesus I mean I've had my baby so I'm ready to start my career! I'm not dumb, by all means I might not be no brain surgeon, but I learn fast, can use a computer and I can charm anyone when I need to...in theory.

What It Means To Be A Girl.....19-03-2008

Another blow for the UK, just had the chancellor give out the Budget for 2008, what a bloody joke! As a person who has been off sick long term, it's damn hard to get back into work. I have been to the job centre and various other places, only to be told that, even though I have qualifications, I now need experience, well guess fucking what, how can someone who has been ill and never knew why, get experience when no fucker will give her a job? I was told 2 years ago that I needed to get on AAT, so I did that....only to now be told that means shit, I need "office" experience. Well whoopee doo, another kick in the teeth for the bright girl.

Let's go back to how useless the job centre is shall we, whenever I go to the one in Sheffield city centre, I see mostly people who let's face it, would hardly get a job as they stink of booze, or look scruffy. I on the other hand was presented well and had good grades. So I was referred to this guy, who upon me seating myself at his desk, asked me what I wanted to do, I told him junior accountant, or a job around this field.....so all he did was search for junior accountant, then said sorry no jobs with that description. I sat there and said now what...he said keep looking. And I said how do I get help with a CV he told me they don't help with such matters and dismissed me. So if that's how they deal with someone with brains and smart appearance, what about a dirty looking scroat? Anyways after much deliberation I decided that the government is against clever, eccentric chicks like me ever getting a break in life.

Why I am here

I decided that my old blog place was not where I wanted to be, they seem to find uninspiring people more fun...so I am now shifting my entire blog to here...yay! But I'm wondering whether or not to shift the entire collection...because frankly it might seem odd posting with the same dates...shit choices choices.

On a more lighter note I finally stopped my windows updating...pisses me off.